Gervase Phinn's Mangled English by Gervase Phinn

Author:Gervase Phinn
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Country Publications Ltd
Published: 2013-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

One deputy head teacher admitted to shouting in assembly:

Every time I open my mouth some very silly person speaks!”

Even head teachers slip up sometimes. A primary school head teacher placed a notice on the staffroom noticeboard in winter:

“Children must not skate on the frozen water unless passed by the head.”

Another, commenting on the fire which destroyed the science block, announced:

“This is the worst disaster for the school since I was appointed.”

Speaking after the election of the new chair of governors of a large comprehensive school, a headmaster declared:

“I have to say that we couldn’t get anybody better.”

The chair of governors at a speech day informed the parents and their pupils that the inspection report on the school had, in his opinion, been unfairly critical.

“When we read it,” he said, “the headmaster and I felt we were standing on the edge of a precipice.” He continued, “However, we are moving forward with confidence.”

At another speech day, the chair of governors invited the school chaplain “to lead us in a few words of silent prayer”.

Parents, too, are sometimes unintentionally amusing in their use of language. One mother, having been asked by the school if her son was “a natural-born British subject”, replied that he was born by caesarean section; another, asked for her length of residence, informed the school:

“It’s about thirty feet but I’m not that sure.”

The more important the person making a blunder, the more enjoyable it is for those who witness it. The former Chief Inspector of Schools, charged with driving up standards, sent out a press release under this heading:

“School Inpsection [sic] Outcome Figures.”

Here is a selection of pupil howlers:

Elijah went to Heaven in a fiery carrot.

Q. Name the Romans’ greatest achievement.

A. Learning to speak Latin.

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things that stop the carpet slipping on the stairs.

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. It’s when the farmer does it instead of the bull.

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman emperor.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?

A. That the customer is well-endowed.

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When someone is ill at the airport.

Q. What is a fibula?

A. A small lie.

Q. What is a Caesarean Section?

A. A district in Rome.

Q. What is artificial respiration commonly known as?

A. The kiss of death.

Q. The Isle of Man is noted for which dangerous race?

A. The Vikings.

Q. Why do we have elections in a democratic society?

A. Because if men didn’t have them they couldn’t produce children.

Barbarians are the small metal balls which help machines run smoothly.

Q. What word describes a person who keeps on going despite difficulties?

A. Passionate.

Q. What was Hitler’s secret weapon?

A. He used the dreaded Gaspacho.

Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

The appearance of the anus in evolution was a massive breakthrough.

Young people sometimes, of course, deliberately misuse language for comic effect. Here are few intentional faux pas:

Q. What do you do when you come to a full stop?

A. Get off the bus.

Q. What is Baden-Powell connected with?

A. A hyphen.

Q. Where is Hadrian’s Wall?

A. Around Hadrian’s garden.

Q. What is the opposite of ‘woe’?

A.

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